Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Litterbox of the Damned!!!

Another favorite old thread from Facebook; and one of Bob Secco's finest hours...

The Cat is now radioactive...

Following radiation treatment, we have to keep her isolated from the other cats for a week, carefully package and dispose of her glowing poop and pet her only with a stuffed mitten attached to a stick.

Of course, I'm trying to decide how to employ radioactive tabby-turds to terrorize and subjugate the good citizens of Vernon Hills.

I'll be needing a really cool super-villain name, some costume suggestions and a plausible flowchart for most effective utilization of deadly cat muffins.
Bob, you start...December 14, 2010 at 7:25pm · Unlike · 1

Dennis Harris ‎...and remember, "Senor Bag-o-Crap" is a Mexican wrester name and is already taken.December 14, 2010 at 7:26pm · Like

Dennis Harris The cat has a runaway thyroid and has dropped to 4 lbs. RadioCat in Arlington Heights specializes in radioactive cat thyroid ablation. (Apparently thyroid ablation is popular among cats, just behind bulimia and cutting themselves...) It's spendy but Staci won't accept my proffered addendum to Shroedinger's famous thought experiment ( I call it the "Cat Disposability Postulate...)December 15, 2010 at 7:32pm · Like

Dennis Harris At any rate this should fix her and will remove the need for chasing her down twice a day to stuff pills down her. She's smarter than me and can fake accepting medication like a tiny, well-groomed Amy Winehouse. We keep finding the pills later on, usually in my shoes or on my toothbrush.December 15, 2010 at 7:35pm · Like · 1

Dennis Harris After all this brouhaha, though, we'd better get at least another 5 years out of her or I'm going to have her stuffed and mounted and keep her around like Roy Rogers did with Trigger.December 15, 2010 at 7:36pm · Like

Dennis Harris I seem to remember hearing, at the time, that Dale Evans also wanted to be stuffed and mounted, though not necessarily in that order...December 15, 2010 at 7:37pm · Like · 1

Staci Tull Harris Torture is finally getting your very affectionate cat back from 3 very long days away from us (for radiation treatment)... only to have to keep telling her "I'm so sorry. You're still glowing. I can't hold you, or pet you for 2 weeks. I can only look at you!" The looks she is giving are killing me (not to mention the constant meowing all night long outside our closed bedroom door)!
December 17, 2010 at 12:34pm Like

Brion Davis Thompson- I don't know if I could do it!December 17, 2010 at 12:40pm · Like · 1

Robert Secco Sure you could, Brion. The hard part would be breaking into their house so you could get close enough to their closed bedroom door to start meowing. (I'm not sure why you'd want to do it, but it could be done!)December 17, 2010 at 1:16pm · Unlike · 4

Robert Secco And as for you, Staci, you want to hug your kitty even though she's radioactive, yet when Dennis gets a little too "gassy", you have no qualms about locking him in the basement for the evening. For shame!!!December 17, 2010 at 1:24pm · Like · 1

Dennis Harris Bob, that was the best reply to the best set-up line in memory. You must still be basking in the afterglow...December 18, 2010 at 5:35pm · Like · 1

Bill Harris Sr. I had the thyroid ablation done, myself. While I was radioactive, Carolyn made me sleep in the basement by the water heater. My meowing got so loud that the neighbors called animal control and they shot me. Fortunately I was able to create a protective bubble around myself at the last minute. Carolyn finaly let me back into the bedroom after she couldn't get me to stop levitating outside the bedroom window. Sadly when the radioactivity wore off, so did my powers. It takes a week or so ....... until then I would be very afraid .... I'd hide the car keys ...
December 18, 2010 at 12:12am · Unlike · 4

Dennis Harris    The Cat is now back home... 

Smurfette and I have been observing her for any signs of radiation induced mutant superpowers.

It actually appears that she's developed some low level psychic mind control abilities over the other cats. She's sitting under the Christmas tree perfectly still, eyes unblinking, making an eerie keening sound as Abbey totters back and forth in a zombie-like state constructing a tiny, grisly pyramid of mouse skulls to honor her."

At the same time, Attila is standing there with a confused, scared look on her face as she repeatedly slaps herself. Sad how easily their tiny, simple minds are controlled.    December 16, 2010 at 9:50pm · Like

Dennis Harris   Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go cash out my 401K and buy squeaky toys...  December 16, 2010 at 9:51pm · Like · 1

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Now I am become Death, the Destroyer of Skunks

Now and then, it's worth all the attendant annoyance of Facebook just to be part of a good string when you have the right friends participating.  I think that transcribing a few favorites over is a nice, lazy man's way to fill up some blog space.

Here's one.

Man vs. Skunk- Day 2 A man can only take so much! I mean, I've done my best. I've tried to reason with it but it's fought me at every turn. This is the second time the little bastard has gone off next to the house, infusing the basement with that special aroma which quickly circulated through the house. Last time, one fell into a window well. Oh, that was fun! Never again! 

Now I am become Death, the Destroyer of Skunks!! I need a cunning plan...

  • Sandy- try candles-baking soda in the carpet and vaccuum-how about a ozone machine> lol< so sorry dennisSeptember 22, 2010 at 6:46pm · Like

  • Dennis Harris Since ammonia soaked rags, filling in the access holes and sending strongly worded letters (anonymously) hadn't worked, I had to move on to stronger methods. This being me, of course, you pretty much know where this is going. Embracing my inner Elmer Fudd, I went straight to the Home Center to arm myself with mothballs and poison smoke bombs.September 22, 2010 at 6:48pm · Like

  • Dennis Harris Now, instead of a house that smells like skunk, I have a house that smells like skunk, mothballs and poison smoke bombs. The basment is uninhabitable and the cats are huddled together, desperately trying to dial Staci's cell number....

    Sadly, I know how this cartoon usually ends. I see myself standing in a scorched blast zone where my home used to be; nothing but a roasted caricature in shredded underwear, holding a single spent match, totally smoke-blackened except for, in a triumph of 40's era bad taste, my enormous white lips and wide, surprised eyes.

    Somewhere off camera, a skunk laughs mockingly...

    Smurfette will be home Friday. Can I crash on someone's couch for a couple weeks? September 22, 2010 at 6:49pm · Like ·
  • Denise-  Play a radio where he is. My inlaws had one that kept coming around and the radio actually worked. Seriously try it!September 22, 2010 at 7:13pm · Like

  • Dennis Harris I tried the radio thing but he'd keep changing it to soft jazz in the middle of the night. 3 hours of Kenny G and I gave up on it as a bad job. Skunk's clever; too clever.September 22, 2010 at 8:29pm · Like

  • Dennis Harris I have, though, come up with a cunning plan for when Smurfette returns on Friday. I'm cooking up a welcome-home dinner of fried fish and cabbage with lots & lots of garlic. I may have to burn it a bit but it should keep her distracted till morning. That's when she'll probably get suspicious, though, upon being confronted with limburger pancakes... Suggestions?September 22, 2010 at 8:38pm · Like
  • Bill Harris Sr. I know a guys what knows a badger ....see .... $500.00 and this skunk (what skunk? I don't know nuthin' about no skunk) has a little "accident" on Rt. 45 . (I hear there was rabies involved! Too bad!) Nuf said lemme know.September 22, 2010 at 9:11pm · Unlike · 1
  • Glen McAfee Just mention an old girlfriend stayed over one night this week and spilled some unknown substance. Trust me, the subject of a possible skunk will never come up.September 23, 2010 at 12:16am · Like
  • Robert Secco Are you sure it's a skunk? A buddy of mine thought he had a skunk living under his deck, but in reality it was just a bunch of chipmunks smoking some really expensive weed. That little discovery also cleared up the mystery of his missing Cheetos and hearing the faint sound of reggae music all night.September 23, 2010 at 11:10am · Like

  • Dennis Harris Well, I can see from the footprints in the corn starch I scattered around the
    bird feeder that the skunk is alive and well.


    I'm wondering, then, what the hell I gassed yesterday.

  • I keep getting these horrific mental images of a dark and silent "Fraggle Rock"...

    September 23, 2010 at 3:42pm · Like
  • Robert Secco Have you considered using black spray paint to make one of your white cats look like a comely skunk vixen so as to entice the little bugger out of his lair? History has taught us that it worked numerous times on Pepe Le Pew, so it might be worth a shot.September 23, 2010 at 4:49pm · Like